Knowledge vs. Belief

I was reading this post (isn’t this how I always start?), and I was convicted of my own disbelief. I am a lover of knowledge which makes it tough to believe sometimes. I think it’s always a power struggle within me to rely on God versus my own strength.

I can fight, resist, and argue, but I’ll be on my own because my God will not be big enough for me. Or I can agree and trust him and allow him to be my comfort and my strength as he makes the confusion, waiting, regret, and hopelessness fit.

Gary Morland

In the U.S. we grow up believing we can do anything we put our mind to, and I’m not saying this is always a bad thing, but when we put our mind to something which will inevitably lead to our own glory instead of God’s that can be bad. Motives play a big role in all of this. I remember a conversation with a coworker in which I took all of the glory for my seemingly perfect life. “You just have to take it one step at a time and make good choices.” While this advice seems harmless enough, I can’t help wondering how I left God out of it completely. What if I had been homeless and living on the street? I guess few people would’ve been inquiring of my recipe for success. Why do we associate financial prosperity with spirituality sometimes? I have no doubt that God can bless some with a lot and some with enough, but do we place more importance on those with excess?

I say I believe God and His sovereignty, but do my thoughts and actions show it? I need to use my energy to pursue God and a deeper with relationship with Him instead of pursuing knowledge in an attempt to control the situation on my own (this is usually my preference).

It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

Ephesians 1:11-12

Matthew 5

First of all, Matthew 5:1-12 – all I’ve got is wow! I am so feeling this right now. I especially love verse 3.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

This is where I am right now. Actually I’ve probably been here for awhile, but haven’t really viewed it as a blessing. It is a blessing though. How can it not be a blessing when God gives me the privilege of sharing my struggles to encourage someone else walking through a similar situation? I have to stop letting the world infiltrate my head telling me what a successful, independent woman looks like. The world’s definition of successful and the Bible’s definition are very different. If God can use me when I feel like I have lost control and at my weakest, then I am BLESSED! And God gets the glory because the circumstances were never what I would’ve picked, but God used them to refine me because He loves me.

I love the end of the chapter (verses 38-48) that talk about loving your enemies. One of the things I remember my dad sharing with me a long time ago is that it helps sometimes to give financially to someone you are struggling to love. When you give someone else your hard-earned money (can be done anonymously) it does work to slowly change your attitude toward him/her, and I believe that’s what Matthew 5 is about. It doesn’t make sense to give to someone who annoys you or even hates you. Do it anyway, and don’t be surprised when the person seems to be exactly the same as always, but your heart changes instead.

We all have this responsibility to live our own lives according to God’s Word. I hope that the second half of my life will be more about God and less about me.

in(RL)

I am getting really excited for in(RL) this weekend. If there are any ladies out there that would like to come to our meetup this Saturday, please contact me at nateandsuz@yahoo.com. I would love it if you could come and hang out!

I think it is so important to connect as women since our lives can feel so isolated. Once I stopped working to stay home with my kids, it was a big adjustment for me. I love the idea of mentoring relationships with older women, and I hope to be able to mentor others as well. I know I get intimidated by the idea of mentoring someone else, but really I don’t have to know everything to do that. Having someone to talk to is probably what new wives/mothers need the most. I hope that I can be more available for others in the future, but for right now, my time is mostly limited to our moms’ group activities several times a month.

Is anyone else participating in in(RL) this year? This will be my first year, so I’m hoping it will be an encouraging experience!

Book Review: Grace for the Good Girl

I loved this book. From the moment Emily confessed that she’d sometimes rather read People magazine than the Bible, but also mentioning that she would judge others who read People magazine more than the Bible, I knew this book was written for me. I could totally relate to many of the experiences Emily shared as well as the mask wearing tendencies.

The quote below dealing with commitments was so true of my heart that I have to really analyze my motives for everything I do. Am I agreeing to be involved in a ministry out of guilt or a ploy to beef up my good girl image? If I need to bow out, will my reputation suffer? Why do I need to worry about that?

As a good girl it’s hard to risk quitting commitments for fear of how it might look to those watching. Rather than listening to God’s gentle leading in those areas, I fear and I fret that my reputation as the dependable one or as the one who can handle things will be threatened.

page 44

I love, love, love the quote below. I needed to hear this. Of course, the comparison game keeps me living in shame over not spending enough time in the Bible each day (along with not spending enough time on home organization, meal preparation, exercising, teaching preschool for my little kids, and the list goes on and on).

There is a time for blankets and journals. There is also a time for gut-wrenching, on-your-knees soul searching; for joy unspeakable and peace unwavering and mourning with the ugly cry. Life is fluid, it ebbs and flows in cycles of busy and rest, crisis and joy.

pages 143-144

Like Emily, I struggled (and continue to struggle) in this shift from woman who seems to have it all together to scatterbrained mother of five. I have never been disciplined in keeping journals and having a distinct quiet time at the same moment of each day (though I have had success for periods at a time), but I loved this quote which gives me so much freedom. What works for one person may not be the exact recipe for someone else. And Lord knows this up all hours of the night dealing with bodily fluids and who knows what else is exhausting. I cry out to God for strength, and He hears me. I don’t have to be curled up with my Bible, journal and pen in hand to spend time with Jesus. He is with me throughout the day, and I can converse with Him about my trials and triumphs. I do spend time in the Word as well, but the time of day and length of time varies from day to day.

Meg is modeling a grocery bag – her own fashion design.

I can already tell my little Meg, my second born, will probably not struggle with the people pleasing mentality that I have issues with. She is so free-spirited and creative, all while loving others and being gracious even when others are mean to her. I love seeing the personalities God has given each of my children develop as they grow.

Anyway, I read this book a few months ago and could certainly benefit from reading it again. I hope you read it too if you get the chance. Let me know if you love it as well.

Forgiveness

I just read this blog post. Specifically, I was moved by the short story at the bottom of the post entitled, The Missing Year, written by Vanessa Diffenbaugh. I loved the end of the story where she talks about people of their small town asking how long they’d been married and subtracting a year in their heads. The family, however, had already moved on. That year had already been forgiven and forgotten.

Really it makes me cry just thinking about this fictional little family (although it is based on the true story). How many similar situations have we witnessed in our own lives? Probably not enough, because we give up on each other so easily and try to avoid those who have wronged us or made our lives difficult.

I also love it that the little family seemed to move on, even while those watching the drama take place could not. It’s so sad to me that we, as a culture, embrace that nosiness (is that really a word?) and putting our two cents in wherever we feel it is needed. If the husband could receive his wayward wife back, that is all that matters. If the children could accept their mother’s return to their lives, shouldn’t everyone else do the same? We don’t need to know the details.

I have had it out with God on more occasions than I’d like to admit regarding the circumstances of my own life. I felt like He didn’t see that I had lived a pretty good Christian life (hello, self-righteousness anyone?) having accepted Christ at a young age, and I certainly didn’t deserve to deal with situations where my husband (or someone else) has wronged me. Years later, I realize that my marriage is so much stronger, not because we didn’t deal with heartache and pain, but because we committed to forgiveness. With each day that passes, the choice to love each other becomes easier. Those close to us continue to love us as well, not keeping track of which one of us has sinned more, but loving my husband and me equally.

I’m feeling thankful for forgiveness and reconciliation today. When you see a marriage or any relationship restored, it’s one of those things that you know is of God. There is no other earthly explanation for it.

My heart is breaking

I think I’ve cried more tears in the last 5 years than I have in the 29 years before that. It’s funny how life can change so much and people can let you down and you learn to rely on God all while trying to keep your heart soft toward others (who will continue to let you down).

My dad is in the process of cleaning out his office. The church office he’s worked in for the last 28 years is going to be cleared out. All of the memories will be in our hearts, but no longer sparked by the place he worked for so long.

The process is considerably more difficult than I thought it would be. I can’t imagine what Dad must be going through. I’m just sitting here at home in tears. He is doing the real work.

People can be so cruel. I always knew that, but I never really witnessed it firsthand with my family. I know my dad has done his best to protect us, and for that I am grateful. We have been on the receiving end of tremendous blessing as well, and I will never forget that.

I have read many posts about Christians becoming bitter towards the church and leaving in search of the perfect one. I do not want that to happen. Bitterness and avoiding and running away is not the answer. How many believers before us have endured unimaginable pain, physically and mentally? I read so many blogs that tell me how other Christians deal with betrayal in their churches. It’s easy to become disillusioned and follow the example of others that we respect. However, the Holy Spirit keeps bringing me back to the Bible.

The sower sows the word. These are the ones who are beside the road where the word is sown; and when they hear, immediately Satan comes and takes away the word which has been sown in them. In a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold.

Mark 4:14-20 (NASB)

When I reach this passage, I think the end is the perfect description of my dad. He has led so many the Lord that I think it’s truly obvious that he is the seed sown on the good soil. What an amazing example he has been to me. I am going to choose to celebrate God’s work in him rather than dwell on those who like to stir things up in the church.

I remember the days when I worked outside of the home, I often felt unappreciated by those that I worked with. I would think to myself that the management wouldn’t know where to begin if I quit and left them with all of the work that I normally did. Then they would appreciate me because I’d be gone. Now I realize just how wrong my attitude was. I still struggle with this attitude as a stay-at-home mom. My husband and kids don’t recognize me for all the work I do to keep this house going. I often mope around waiting for them to realize how burnt out I really am. I continually forget that it is God who I’m seeking to please, not man.

If we carry this change of heart into the local church, I think we’d understand that no matter who here on earth sees how we’re serving, God sees it. He is the one who matters. When people left our church, I’d think maybe if I’d have written them an encouraging note, they would’ve stayed. I know that’s ridiculous and kind of prideful on my part – like I’m really going to make the difference! But, while I know we should be encouraging one another, it’s silly to sit back and grow discontent about the church because its members are not praising you enough. We need to be responsible for our own hearts. Instead of picking apart the behavior of others, we need to be an example of godly living regardless of the actions of anyone else.

I say that to say it’s easy to leave when you feel unappreciated or wronged. I hope we can be an example of serving the Lord in our local body of believers even when it’s hard. Even when no one sees it. Even when your spirit is crushed. Because our service is to our God, not man.

I better wrap this up. I have jumped around a little too much. Thanks for listening to my thoughts on this emotional day…

Babyproof

Charlotte longing to be outside with Daddy and her brothers and sisters!

I am a controller. That is, I like to be in control. When I had my first baby, I wanted the house to be totally babyproofed. Mostly so I could relax. Seven years and five kids later, my house is still fairly babyproof. It is definitely easier to stay home with these crazy monkeys than to go out into the world where I actually have to watch them.

I was thinking about this as I sat outside with my four year old, two year old and one year old. My one year old was putting everything she could get her hands on into her mouth and climbing precariously onto a scooter. I thought about how much has changed in seven years that I could even allow my daughter to sit there covered in dirt, hair standing on end as a result of running her greasy hands through it. I have eased up a bit, and it is a good thing. I can get so wrapped up making sure my kids look perfect everytime we are out or making sure the house looks perfect anytime someone stops by or catching my kids before they hurt themselves. At some point, I have put my trust in God to care for my kids better than I could ever hope to.

For me, sending my oldest off to public school for kindergarten last year was relinquishing a bit of the control. I’m not saying everyone should send their kids to public school, but my husband and I prayed and decided that this was the right choice for us right now. We now have a first grader and kindergartener in school. Some days I have an overwhelming sense of fear, and I face those days with constant prayer throughout the school day. I am starting to realize that I can’t protect my kids from everything. Bad things could happen no matter where we go. I have to spend time daily in the Word and in prayer and line up my will with God’s.

So, all that to say staying in the babyproof zone does make a mom’s life easier, but I want my kids to have experiences outside of what is comfortable to me. I want them to appreciate the beauty in nature and people that God created. I want them to see diversity and contrast. I want to shelter them from everything bad, but I can’t. God can use some of the negative things that they will inevitably experience to shape their young little lives.

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.

Psalm 91:1-4 (The Message)

Beautiful

I love this quote posted by Miz Booshay (scroll to the bottom of the post – although I do love some duchess fashion as well)! I don’t feel beautiful many times, and I often feel older than my thirty-five  thirty-four years (I frequently forget my age). Reading Psalm 35 today, it’s so refreshing to be assured that nothing here on earth is new. As humans, we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. In stark contrast, we serve a God who is perfection. He is still on His throne, and I will keep praising His name through anything life throws at me.

I am thankful that because of some of the negative circumstances in my own life, I can be an encouragement in the lives of others. Everyone needs a little “street cred” so to say.

I define beauty differently now than I used to, but I hope that my definition is a little closer to what God sees when he looks past our human bodies and into our souls. I remember as a teenager not understanding the difficulty with controlling one’s thought life. Now, as an adult, I have many days when I’d like to just wallow in anger and bitterness (and have). Have I mentioned that being a stay-at-home mom makes reining in your thought life difficult? The days seem unending and the topics available for me to dwell on seem overwhelming. But I must fix my eyes on Jesus, and tell my mind to put aside what is not beneficial. Hard times, people. I never considered myself to be a weak person, but I just asked my husband the other day if I seemed weaker than I was when he married me. He confirmed my suspicions were true.

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12:10. So today I’ll be at home delighting in my weakness. Weakness in my life makes it easy to recognize my need for a Savior.

I strongly dislike facebook

How do I know what I should post or not post? What should I “like?” Should I go so far as to share this life-changing article with the world (read: my facebook friends)?

My heart is wicked. I weigh the pros and cons of commenting on someone’s status that I know will be a critical moment in his/her life when he/she partakes of the wisdom flowing from my fingertips. Or will it do more damage than good?

Yes, facebook can be an avenue of encouragement, marketing or even just information, but it can also be used for evil. I am speaking of my own sinfulness. Just a little “like” here and an ignore there, and I can pick and choose my way through my friends lives, judging whoever strikes my fancy. Seems like social media isn’t as harmless as I once thought.

I am not going on record saying I will never frequent facebook’s blue and white pages again (I do like using facebook for event planning, keeping updated/praying for others, to name a few), but I am saying that my own heart needs to get checked at the door. I have no business being there if my purposes are to bully or criticize others.

That being said, my meditation for the day is:

There’s more: God’s Word warns us of danger
    and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
    Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
    Keep me from stupid sins,
    from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day sun-washed,
    scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
    these are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them
    on the morning altar,
O God, my Altar-Rock,
    God, Priest-of-My-Altar.

Psalm 19:11-14 (The Message)

Ephesians 4

I love Ephesians 4. At this particular time in my life I am clinging to it. I am praying my soul will mirror it.

I have such fond memories of memorizing and reciting Ephesians 4:23-32 at school. My dad would give me hand motions and facial expressions to go along with the passage which really helps me remember the verses even now. For the verse below (Eph 4:31), I would count off the first five things and make my hand into a fist, then pretend I was hurling them into the air.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.

Oh how I wish it were that easy to get rid of these things! I wish the verse gave some exceptions in cases of injustice or false accusations. Could there be a justification for hanging onto a little bitterness every once in awhile?

And then there’s verse 32:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

These are words to live by.

Happy Easter! I’m so thankful for Christ’s sacrifice and resurrection giving us life and hope!!